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◦ Spend your last half hour at work searching the BBC food website for the most sticky, sweet, chocolatey recipe you can find – if it includes fruit all the better, anything involving fruit is automatically good for you.

◦ Wander around your local corner shop buying ingredients – bonus points for anything that is organic or fair trade, not only are they good for your soul but anything that is both organic and fair trade has negative calories – fact (even if it is 300g of dark chocolate made with 60% cocoa solids). Ignore the glance of the man at the till as he puts through the butter, the sugar, the eggs – there are raspberries in there, it is healthy godammit.

◦ Grease the baking tin you’ve just bought from the big supermarket – if you’re going to bake you might as well do it properly.

◦ Break the chocolate into squares and put in a large saucepan, making sure not to eat any of the chocolate you are using to cook with, any chocolate left over is clearly fair game.

◦ Slice the butter into the saucepan and heat over a low heat, while stirring slowly. The butter and the chocolate will melt together into a gorgeous, glistening, sauce.

◦ Next crack open the eggs into a bowl, making sure not to get any shell involved. Search the kitchen for the whisk that you could have sworn you’d seen but never used in the nine months since you moved in. Panic. Consider just using a fork. Panic. Find the whisk. At this stage enlist the help of a strong, young man for whisking purposes - promise brownies in payment.

◦ Whisk the eggs until frothy and add the sugar until glossy. Be grateful that it isn’t you doing the whisking and wonder at height of kitchen counters – seemingly designed for use by tall men, rather than short women – consider using this as an excuse for never cooking again. Realise that this will lead to life of insta microwave meals. Keep mouth shut.

◦ Add the glistening chocolate/butter sauce to the frothy, glossy egg/sugar mixture. Marvel at how the mixture is now beginning to look like it could actually turn into brownies. Discover that standing on tip-toes gives much greater leverage when folding in the flour and ponder practicality of always cooking in 4 inch heels.

◦ Pour half the brownie mixture into the pre-greased tin (what do you mean you forgot to grease the tin? Do so now and if possibly line it with grease proof paper otherwise you’ll never be able to get the brownies out of the tin and then what are you going to pay your hired slave with?)

◦ Scatter the raspberries on top of the brownie mixture. Watch them sink in and fight the urge to screw the baking and just get a spoon and start eating. Pour the other half of the brownie mixture on top of the raspberries, submerging them completely. Start licking the spoon, you’ve resisted long enough.

◦ Put the brownie tin into the preheated oven and wait…offer hired slave the bowl to lick out…mmmmm. Consider trying to lick the mixture off the whisk, decide you’d actually quite like to keep your tongue and like the good domestic goddess that you are do the washing up.

Wait.

Appreciate the chocolate smell filling the house.

Wait.

◦ Check on the brownies by putting a skewer in the middle. Does it come out almost clean(ish)? Good. Take the brownie tin out of the oven and leave on the side to cool.

Wait

◦ Try to tip giant brownie out onto cooling rack to cut into sensibly sized brownies. Panic as parts begin to come out but not the whole thing – you didn’t use grease proof paper did you. Give up on trying to get the giant brownie out of the tin and slice it up where it is.

◦ Play about with spatulas trying to get a whole brownie out without it breaking into pieces. Eat the crumbs while contemplating next tactical assualt. Give up on trying to get the brownie out whole, you’re just going to eat it anyway.

◦ Scoop brownie pieces into a bowl with vanilla ice-cream. Eat & enjoy…mmmmmm…, remembering to feed to hired slave/whisk boi.

Considering: joining a gym
About to watch: Desperate Housewives
Listening to: Razorlight Up All Night

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 18th, 2005 at 9:20 pm and is filed under Coffee. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.