Moments
There are some points in my life, some choices that I�ve made that I will forever wonder what if�what if I�d made a different choice, what if I�d made the opposite decision, what if�
What if, at the age of 16, I had gone back and told him how I felt? How would that have changed the events that followed? Would much of the heart-ache have been prevented? Would it, in any way, have affected where I am now and the person I am now?
I don�t know.
I know the moment and I could have gone back and said something. It was December, we�d stayed late working on the school newspaper and were, as ever, the last two left. He was having trouble at home and in no hurry to go back, I had to go and catch my lift home - all I really wanted to do was stay. I left him sitting in the brightly lit common room attempting his coursework; outside it was a cold, dark, December evening and the rain was slashing down, the common room in the deserted school was like a haven form the outside world, a warm cocoon to be wrapped up in.
As I walked out of the school gates I almost went back. I stopped and started to go back. I stopped and turned around, again and again. Finally I stopped walking in circles and walked away.
What stopped me from going back? A fear of the consequences, an awareness that for better or worse this wasn�t just about the two of us, there were other people involved, people who I didn�t want to hurt.
Knowing the way things turned out; how he turned out; how I turned out I can�t help but wonder what could have been if had gone back. If I hadn�t been so scared or so concerned about the feelings of others, if I had taken that risk would it have saved a lot of hurt and pain? Or would I have got more hurt more deeply? Did my survival instinct save me from what could have been a very destructive relationship or was I just a scared 16year old who couldn’t tell the boy I thought I loved how I felt?
I don�t know.